Zombie Divorce: You’ve Tried to Work it Out… But He’s Still a Flesh Eating Zombie
Posted on March 21, 2014
They say that when the dead rise from their graves, the living will fill those coffins, but I wholeheartedly disagree. This isn’t an apocalyptic matter by any means. If anything, it’s just a matter of paperwork.
At the end of the day, zombies and humans need to find a way to live in harmony. Of course, edged weapons will do the job in most cases, but sometimes there are more complex methods that end in messy litigation (with a great deal less blood and brains). Let me be a little less cryptic and a little more frank with an example:
Say, for instance, you’re a blushing bride and you planned on living a wonderful life together. Then it just so happens that your multi-millionaire spouse becomes infected and turns into a flesh-eating terror. His only objective in life is to tear your heart out and get into your brains. While this situation happens quite often while both participants are still living, you are not out of legal options.
This can be a very complicated and unfortunate situation, but now is not the time to think negatively.
Even Broken Zombie Marriages Have a Silver Lining
This particular scenario can be a little touchy for the simple fact that the law hasn’t quite yet determined if an undead human still maintains legal rights. While many in the vast field of zombie law might classify the undead in limbo between deceased and still “walking around,” I would suggest that they are in that sweet spot on both ends of the spectrum.
The beauty of zombie law is the fact that we are able to play within that gorgeous gray area. This gray area wasn’t even cleared up in the landmark US SCOTUS case of Maryland vs. Pike Biotech Engineering Inc. Essentially, top attorney Russ Brown successfully argued that zombies are not legally allowed to possess motorcycle licenses due to their habitual hazardous road rage issues from mental insolvency.
The end result of the lawsuit was that, because most zombies cannot successfully complete a state-driving test (without feasting on the instructor, thereby failing the test), then newly infected individuals must retake the test or give up their licenses. What was not defined in the ruling opinion was how to classify the undead.
Theoretically, if a zombie were able to successfully complete a motorcycle or driving test, then he or she would still maintain the legal right to traverse the public roadways. To this day, zombie-Americans have not yet attempted to lobby the US Congress for repeal.
In your case, your husband is dead, while also precariously alive. A “zombie” has yet to be defined by law, so you have a few options as to how you might want to cut your ties and proceed with your divorce.
Option 1: Declare Your Spouse as Deceased
If you decide to declare your spouse as “deceased,” you might have to prove that this is the case. Usually, the smell is a dead giveaway, which sometimes makes this legal battle a no-brainer. And yes, those puns were fully intended.
In the event that your spouse is, in fact, declared to be “deceased,” then the issue has less to do with divorce proceedings and more to do with a question of what was in your spouse’s will. However, there are four possible hitches with this issue:
- Your spouse does not have a will, which could become a fairly difficult problem.
- There are other scavenging family members attempting to have a go at your former spouse’s assets.
- You might not want to choose this option if your spouse had a life-insurance policy that does not release benefits in the event of “death from undead infection” (DFUI).
- Once the individual is declared ‘dead’, then you will need to render the walking newly declared corpse unresponsive to prevent further infection. While this can be the messiest part, you can hire professionals. However, if you have the stomach for it, an ice pick to the cranium will usually do the job.
Option 2: Declare Your Spouse Still Surviving but Mentally Unstable
This is certainly a solid option because it removes the problem of dealing with the issue of death certificates, wills and other formalities. At this point, it is usually easier to argue that an undead spouse is mentally unstable and abusive.
Your best option is to keep your legal issue in the realm of divorce. Usually, psychologists won’t even look at a zombie when issuing their professional assessment of the spouse as being mentally incapable of basic cognitive function. Also, because zombies have maintained a long history of attacking all living individuals in their senses, it is not a far-gone conclusion to have the spouse declared as being abusive. In which case, divorce proceedings are a breeze and you can most likely assume ownership of the undead spouse’s assets.
The only drawback to this issue is that you will need to keep a “containment facility” to hold the spouse. The undead can keep kicking for years and years, so you will want to make sure that he or she cannot get out.
While the cost of building such a facility might be formidably cost prohibitive, maintenance is minimal.