Is Murder Still A Crime?
Posted on March 18, 2014
By Joe Suhre
As the owner of a large criminal defense firm, I have been practicing law since before the undead had rights. I actually supported the “Understanding the Undead” movement and wrote a legal treatise entitled, “You Can’t Undo Undead.” Every day I fight for the rights of the living and living-impaired who have been charged with a crime. For personal injury law, I am quick to refer those cases to Zombie Law.
The so-called “Zombie Apocalypse” has required many changes in laws and legal precedence. Since most congressional bodies were found to be comprised mostly of zombies, the executive branches of the Federal government and most states have taken to passing and enforcing laws while still allowing the judicial branch to defend and prosecute anyone found breaking the law.
You’re Killing Me Man
One area of law that has required extensive overhaul is murder, which is now specifically broken down into three distinct categories; homicide, zombiecide, and zomicide.
- Homicide is, as it has always been, when a human kills another human.
- Zombiecide, a new category, is when a zombie kills another zombie; as senseless as homicide since zombies don’t eat zombies.
- Zomicide, another new category of laws, is when a zombie kills a human or when a human kills a zombie.
Of the three categories, homicide and zombiecide are illegal. There has been no disagreement on this point but the issue of punishment has been a little trickier. Since the “Great Un-Death,” the living and zombies alike have been a lot more liberal on the subject of the death penalty.
I Sentence You To . . .
For homicide, the living still favor lethal injection. The zombies on the other hand claim that “a mind is a terrible thing to waste” and favor serving up the guilty party as the main course at a zombie luncheon.
For zombiecide, the only thing that seems to work is a lethal injection of lead to the head. (From a high-powered rifle)
Zomicide on the other hand is legal. After all, a zombie needs to eat, and the living have a right to object.
The Jury Is Out
Initially homicide and zombiecide trials were decided by a jury consisting of six living and six undead jurors. However, during lunch break, the jury could never agree on whether to order Italian, Mexican, or Chinese. The disagreement always seemed to break out in violence. Now cases are decided by a judge.
Everyday my living friends ask me how I could defend a zombie in court. I tell them that in many ways it is easier. Zombies are reasonably single-minded. They haven’t got any hidden agendas. I completely understand when they look at me like a piece of meat; and I don’t judge.
It also doesn’t matter to me if I am defending a client facing a homicide charge or a zombiecide charge. I believe all of my clients are innocent until proven guilty.